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Long holidays are upon us, and for many households, that means one thing: behavior-related battles are about to escalate.
When rebellion, tough behavior, and overwhelm start to escalate during long holidays, these six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps offer what really works to bring back order and connection.
If you’re aiming for more stress-free parenting, reducing parent burnout, strengthening parenting boundaries, especially during a season when routines break down, or if you desire to raise respectful children, here are six simple steps that can help.
We’ll follow Allison Bottke’s acronym S.A.N.I.T.Y. to walk through what really works when dealing with difficult behavior, among teens, younger children, (and yes, even dysfunctional adults).
S — Stop Enabling the Behavior
1a. Stop any behavior or conduct that enables poor behavior in children
As parents, we either enable or disable a child’s choices through our actions. We often repeat the same ineffective parenting behaviors and expect different results. That is insanity. Consider the subtle or obvious ways you may be inadvertently enabling negative habits. A common example is making excuses for your child’s poor choices by saying things like:
“You know. that’s just how they’re wired. You just need to understand them.”
Reality check: your child didn’t come from Mars. Instead of defending or disguising bad choices as personality traits, begin calling out the behavior for what it really is. It’s not simply “self-expression”. It may be disrespect, manipulation, laziness, entitlement, disobedience, etc. Once you clearly identify and name the behavior, adjust your response. How do you successfully do that?
First, confess your “sin”. You may say: “I used to allow you to do A, B, or C, but I now realize that as a loving parent, I’m doing you a disservice if I keep letting you get away with this behavior.” Then work with your child to redefine acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and develop clear boundaries and consequences for crossing them.
Real-life example:
If your 11-year-old wakes up at 11 am, long after breakfast, and expects to be served, you can say: “Waking up this late and expecting to be served is irresponsible, disrespectful, and a sign of laziness. This is unacceptable.”
Then outline the new rule:
“Going forward, you should wake up before 8 am and help prepare breakfast. What consequences should follow if you refuse to follow this rule?”
Listen to their suggestions, then add your own. For example:
“Whenever you choose to sleep in and miss breakfast, you will not be served separately or be given snacks until lunch. You will also be expected to wash the breakfast dishes and help prepare lunch for the day. Failure to do so, you will lose the privilege of (insert meaningful privilege) for three days. Is this boundary and its consequences clear?”
If they affirm, move to the next boundary. “Let’s talk about cleaning up your room!” This strategy applies even to children as young as three. If they scatter toys everywhere and repeatedly refuse to put them away, no matter how many times you’ve tripped over them, then this same principle applies. This approach teaches age-appropriate responsibility and reduces the cycle of entitlement.
1b. Stop rescuing them too quickly.
Once your child makes a poor choice or crosses a boundary, resist the urge to rush in and “fix it.” Let them experience the consequences of their choices without your immediate intervention, no matter how many times they fail. Many parents fear watching their children in pain. However, nothing makes a life lesson stick more effectively than experiencing the discomfort caused by a poor choice.
Parents in previous generations allowed children to touch a warm lamp frame—not to harm them, but to help them understand why playing with fire was dangerous. Allow your child to learn such lessons early and in low-risk situations.
Continuing the earlier example:
If they wake up at 11 am and start whining about hunger, your instinct may be to rush and fix them something, call the maid to rescue the “angry, hungry princess,” or let them snack their way to lunch.
Instead, pause and remind yourself that rescuing them too soon only encourages more resistance and undermines boundaries. Calmly and firmly repeat the violated boundary and follow through with the consequences you agreed upon together.
Let them experience a little hunger until lunch. They won’t die, but they will learn. This is part of tough love parenting, and one of the most effective tools you’ll use.
You will often see a surprising shift: once a child realizes you are not bluffing, they begin adjusting their behavior with far less resistance. Many will wake up earlier the next day and even volunteer to help with breakfast.
1c. Be consistent.
Consistency is the backbone of success, and the part most parents struggle with. When we experience one successful incident, we assume it will guarantee future cooperation. But sometimes the child pushes back, ignoring you, whining, or throwing tantrums, and we give in.
We break boundaries and send mixed signals. One day, we ignore the misbehavior; the next day, we try to enforce the rule, but not all the way.
Why does this happen?
Because we fear being disliked by our children, judged by peers, or seen as “too tough.” We feel guilty for sticking to the rules. This inconsistency not only worsens behavior, it frustrates the child and sets them up for long-term failure.
The remedy:
Let go of fear-based parenting.
Stop being a prisoner of fear and peer pressure. Your child has only you as their parent. You don’t have to parent like everyone else. Resolve to enforce the set boundaries every single time—unless there is a genuinely valid exception, like illness or a real emergency. If so, adjust the boundary thoughtfully and explain the reason for the adjustment.
Reflect:
- How have you applied this principle before?
- What results did you see?
- What ineffective habits are you ready to replace going forward?
In case you’re thinking you’ve “blown it,” remember, it’s never too late to start.